Ooh lost in the woods, but not in that awesome way...

I have been drawing a lot lately. This means that I am able to genuinely shut myself off from the world and focus on art. I think it has everything to do with the knot in my gut. Recently my life has been evening out from the previous turmoil over the summer. Things have been better and I am starting to find my place again in the scheme of things. Although at times I still feel like I am losing my mind.

I have come to the recent conclusion I do not want to date anybody. I want to actually be willfully single. Although how I can accomplish this I do not know... at least without feeling like a douche. I do not know. I don't like playing with people's hearts or hurting anybody, and I feel completely lost on what to do with it.

This is also in complete contrast to a recent realization that I know where my heart lives again. I had seen the movie "Sucker Punch" and the girl there uses dancing to zone herself to fight against her situation... this thing is I had done that before myself... and it's weird I guess to identify with this movie chica, but there it is. I had done exactly what she had done. All I know is I had broken into something that I had forgotten... like the Dogma incident... and all I could do was laugh and cackle madly as I drove home... hell bent and focused.

Compare this with recent situations in life and choices. I cannot stay at my parents much longer even though I know my Mother would be sad. Dad has been gone a while and hit an equilibrium within himself and I think it has helped him heal. I know if he comes back home it will just get worse again. This place needs to change is so many important ways if it is to be a home again!

I am so angry at myself and what I've become in life... no this is not exactly right. I think about it and I do have a lot going for me, and it is not as bad as it has been, but there are certain persistent situations right now that I cannot even begin to deal with. Everything is such a muddled mess since I quit Kwik Dry. I think of my future and the possibility of a family or whatever, or a career, or making a difference in life and I can't see it. I just can't fucking see it. I can't see me happy with anyone, much less myself. I have always been this way too... it's just now it's been driven home with my every action, word, and deed. I see it as this fucking shadow or a tumor or a constant burden that I do not want to bear but I cannot change.

I was always like "no, but blah blah will be different, or when this happens blah blah will change" when discussing with a previous lady about my life choices. I always feel I am right as well. What I think I am learning as a result of being back in my parents house with no money is how much shit I am full of. Or no... not exactly that.

It's more like I am aware of my values and how I was raised - it's like I can see how it holds me back, but also shapes everything that I am. It's hard to let go and not be fourteen again when I am here. This place can be so miserable and to fix it would take... like three miracles? I do think Shrubbery is one though... he makes things so much better by being here... although even he feels it's effects I know.

Life is exactly this that I live. It's not what I want out of it though, and to get there I need a clear vision of what I do want. I just can't see it. I look and look, but I just don't see!

As a guy who is all about perceiving reality for all that it is, this not only kills me inside, but it makes me Angry. I have so much on my mind right now... I had a dream that I had a son... and everytime I dream of a kid I am so broken and edgy the next day. I fear that I never be "good enough" for something that would be so easy if I just didn't care.

I am so flippin lost that I crave oblivion that only video games, endless hours of minecraft, and drawing some seriously random shit could solve.

Did I learn a lesson? *shrug*

I feel the need to write something, but I don't know what it is yet.

I have taken up pen and ink in a proper fashion, my CoH toons are kicking ass, I am willfully single. I will be looking for some sort of day job soon. Just something basic to pay bills while I focus on art. There could be ladies I guess,but I am really not looking for them. Dates maybe, but nothing epic.

That is what I have learned about myself. My whole life I have always wanted to be in love, to have that perfect lady in the perfect sitch, perfect in my perfect head. Right now, it is one of the last things I want. Too complicated, too sad, too "I have to do this to live up to the male end of the mating ritual". This all a great concept except all I can think of is: "Daaaaaamn they're hawt!" So that kind of cramps this whole self-reliant dream shattering post relationship thing.

I need money before anything happens anyway. So in the mean time, I am contemplating the nature of my art.

Pants.