To Ass or Not to Ass! That is the question!

Well, well, well...

At this moment I am having a mini midnight of the soul. I have this big issue with the connectedness I feel with things. I have just watched "The Men Who Stare at Goats" and it got me thinking...

Right now I do not feel connected with much... it probably has everything to do with a lack of sleep I've had this week and running around and working and staying up late and being happy yet angsty at the same time.

Actually ya know every time I am happy, really on and positive, I have a period of coming down over the next day or two where I feel sad or not part of a grand scheme. I know it's bullshite, too! I know that my feelings of non connectedness are not real, that I am a part of the world and everything in it, and even if I feel lost that I am really not. I have friends, I have people who care, and I influence people all the time even though I do not always see the direct result of it.

Ever since before my breakup I have not felt connected to anything. I did months before the relationship started that I had a sense of destiny or fate or that I was progressing the way I should... that my universe was unfolding properly... but now I feel...

Clumsy and awkward... like it was in High School, or when I was 23. I don't feel like I am offering much of anything, but I think it is like sitting in the hospital when you are on the mend, you have stitches and you want to go and play and enjoy the day, but you have to sit there and the only thing that you can do is watch lame soaps until you mend completely.

Courage is going out and making an ass of yourself when you know you are making an ass of yourself, but doing it because it needs to be done to get the experience of being an ass so you aren't an ass when it's important not to be... the only problem is knowing when it's important not to be an ass and when it is. You can't always know, so you might as well make an ass of yourself anyway. In fact, to enjoy making an ass of yourself is best... because if people see you splashing around and having fun in "Lake You" and making a general ass of yourself, they tend to join in and have fun too.

It's all about fear being the Mind Killer to have a Dune reference. It's all about knowing fear intimately, but not letting it get to you. The only way I can think to beat that fear is being off the map so to speak. Do something completely crazy or something a shaman might term as a "Not-doing"... tie your shoes incorrectly, wear a bit of clothing you normally wouldn't, tie a string around your finger, risk making a pariah out of yourself... or just be an ass in a way you are not used to. I think this is why artsy types are so damn "weird".

I dont know anything, yet I potentially know everything because of this. It frustrates me actually. I never know when I am knowing and when I am not, so I have to have faith that I know enough to guide myself through the ass moments and the moments where I am not supposed to be an ass. Or are they one and the same, and it's all an illusion ("ass" vs "not ass") that boils down to a perspective... like a Rorschach test? This is an exponential quotient to the human condition in any case.. I know that.

I really have to create a mathematical equation for the human condition someday... I really can't wait to see the symbol for "faith+assery" compounded by the quotient for knowledge modified by genes and environment and proclivity for self-reflection multiplied by television, media, lies, and pain altered by relief, friendship, grace, and respect. All of it would result in some freaky little known greek (geek?) symbol for a giant metaphor that already exists in some role-playing game that is obscure and probably made and scrapped by Gary Gygax... which probably has too many charts and has a critical fumble table that includes: "Character trips over an invisible turtle that isn't there; bites own tongue off and swallows it. -5 to all rolls until he makes a constitution check at -10. If character fails, dies instantly from suffocation. If character succeeds, can never talk again."

I know this is possible because something very similar happened to my character in a an old Role-Master based "Lord of the Rings" game. Because, you know, it's just like in the books!