An ode to the "Ogazmo" theme song!

I am not sure what to write here as I believe it will devolve into emotional trudgery, fit for only Jerry Springer and High School drama class. I don't know about you, but I only like my drama in Role-Playing games and stories. I got over the High School BS when I was 25! (Late bloomer ya see, and a creative to boot!). I am more about feelings than other people - I know.

To describe what that's like with my emotions is like trying to describe an ocean flooding against a coastal town that is so used to being flooded they don't think much of the off hand typhoon, much less the typical rises and falls of the tides themselves. Right now how I feel is on par with the idea of "The Perfect Storm" as the coastal town is at it's limits to cope... but I think the rainy season is abating somewhat and my life has gotten better... or rather the coastal town has gotten better equipment and has been watching a lot of "My Name is Earl" and "Dr. Who" until the water lowers a bit more and proper clean up can happen.

So what is the big deal here? What is this typhoon of doom that I discuss? I think I am totally about someone and it not only caught me really off guard, but at a point where all these other little storms were happening. My biggest fear is that I will be seen as a crazy person, which I'm not. I'm just emotionally intense, but not clinically so.

Now I wonder about that statement as I write this - my insides are scrambling about and going absolutely stupid. Every thought, every action, every deed, goes into what I could do to remedy this situation. Honestly I would rather not feel anything. I would rather just go on about my life and be cool with it. I want this person to like me and I think they genuinely appreciate my existence, it's just that I sense many roadblocks. This is such a High School situation for me and I don't like it. I am in my Parents house, in my old room, hanging out on old ways and that is definitely not how to solve this specific equation. One important note here however. I feel karmicly, that I am not done here yet.

There is so much bad going on in my parents house that I don't even know where to begin. I... have nothing. I cannot stay to help unless I want to carry everything and forgo my career and my own life (as Toledo has a wonderful art scene, but not quite a place to make money at it). I feel my parents, though they are good people, cannot quite take care of themselves without some serious restructuring of psychology or faith.

My issue is that I want a family someday. I want to be something more than suffering the wasting tan of the East Side of Toledo. I had not realized how much I was influenced by all of this until I moved back home. It hurts. It hurts so much to see a place I loved and do love hate itself so much (a bit like my last relationship come to think of it). I don't have any idea where to start other than to really really clean my room and rebuild it. To throw away everything from the past, good and bad, and start over.

I could say chuck it, and move away, but I might as well be an angsty teenager and run away from home. I do intend on moving elsewhere eventually and soon (Portland, OR? Santa Fe, NM?, Atlanta, Ga?) but I have no specific plans yet as this isn't over. I also need a new job so bad that I can't even express it in words.

So all this and I like a girl... she rocks my world to it's very core. She challenges everything I believe in and stirs up stuff I didn't know I had. Stuff that I hadn't felt in... what? I don't even remember actually. I just keep thinking that my arrangement of life facts will come off as a puppy lovin' fan boy, and that is so not my intent here... although realistically that is what I have always been. Come to think of it, everything I am in right now screams "BOY!" That is not what I am though. I am, in fact, a man... I suppose the theme song from "Oragzmo" should play here right now huh?

Anyway I think I more or less avoided Springer-esque drama while discussing my emotional issues on an idle Saturday. Now off to my studio to paint, and hopefully finish a pen and ink!