Row, row, row your boat...

I have a lot to do. My tenure at the carpet cleaners is done. All that is left is to turn in my uniforms and pick up my last check.

Six years... almost to the day. I can't say how much this relieves me and makes me sad in a duplicitous sort of way. Sad to see it go, there were good times, and sad that I stayed so long; that I prolonged myself for such a long time. I never seem to know when to let go of something.

I gamed and had a good time tonight playing Firefly the RPG and my character has a groove... he may be a good choice to continue with.

I am a very different person from when I started at the Carpet cleaners. Six years ago I was six months out of Convergys and glad to be rid of the place. I was glad to be at the carpet cleaners because it was good solid work and the people were mostly happy with it when we were finished. Who could ask for more? Especially after the beige hell that was the 'Verge at it's worst. Watch Office Space and take what Peter deals with in his day to day office seriously for a moment and do the math. It wasn't always bad, and I met a lot of great people who matter even now in my life... especially that day where I got to run the cotton candy machine... and the one time at Damon's.

Right now my day job is over and I will attempt to get my studio rolling... scary shit; yet fascinating and thrilling... being off the map.

Off the map... one of my most favorite things. It implies a waking dream... where I get to choose my future... or at least directly influence it. This is life anyway. This is what it is to be awakened. Life is always awake, but we are usually not. Routine is a strength, but also a Great weakness. All those years ago reading Mage: The Ascension and thinking what it means to be awakened... and now I have some idea. The idea that WE are the music makers and that WE are the dreamers of the dreams. It is consciously deciding what we want ourselves to be... but also deeper than that... the though is just part of it not the completeness. There is no mere mind over matter - it's only when the mind, matter, and the self meet and push in the same direction with enough energy that the future is decided. Now imagine if everyone was like that? All those disparate voices working only for themselves... no sense of unity or the big picture... that explains something about the media and what it is to be an average human being. Maybe that's why we go to "sleep" and wait for someone with enough energy to inspire us? Why wisdom is so inscrutable? It's like someone talking to you while you sleep and only hearing half the conversation and it becomes part of the "dream"... so it's easy to loose what's real and what's not.

What am I becoming? What am I to be? What is "real" in my life and what is a "dream"? I am going to use this "off the map" session to attempt to find out...